my head hurts! hm, story of my life. this morning i realized i've been on drugs almost non-stop for like a month now. &i've managed to fail all my classes, lose a bunch of friends (altho i'm not too worried about those people anyway), waste alot of money and time, &somehow got sucked back into seeing bryan again.
so...i think i need to stop doing drugs, or at least cut back alot, because obviously this isn't working. &i need to work harder, bring my grades up, stop wasting my money, and figure out what to do about bryan. altho i don't know what to do about him at all, sober or not. he's going home this weekend tho so i'll have some time to think about it.
i wish i had the ability to worry. i used to get anxious all the time, &worry about stuff. but now i don't. &it's cool that i'm not worried all the time, but it also means i don't care about most stuff, therefore i'm FAILING! at least when i was worrying, i was doing good. even right now, as i'm sitting here typing this out, i'm not fucking worried at all. i'm FAILING, &possibly going to lose my financial aide, &im just like la de da.
i stayed with shelby last night, because i wanted to escape my fucking stupid life. we fell asleep at like 10, tho. yeah we're cool. anyways tons of people are coming over today, my weekend is going to be busy. theresa, ashleigh, shelby, monica, patty, clint, laura, raena, margaret, bill, jack, &joe! joe is going to sleep on my floor, apparently. also, i'm getting my new car today. i forgot to pay my phone bill yesterday. oops. my sister is playing the ringtones on her phone really loud, &it's driving me FUCKING INSANE! jesus.
we were sitting on the couch watching a movie, &i was on the opposite side of the couch from him. i was trying to just ignore him because sometimes when i'm with him i start to feel really weird, like i'm scared to even try to like him or feel anything. &he reached over and pulled me over into his lap, &kissed my forehead &told me i was beautiful. i hid my face against his chest so he wouldn't see me cry.